I’ve seen some lifechanging things. Things I didn’t know existed. People going through awful things, fighting for pennies on the dollar of what I make.
I had no agenda for while I was in India. I felt like I was aimless with no direction, I needed a break…needed something. So I came here. Hoping I’d find *something*.
I think I found it.
I had forgotten how to live. So close to having gone through Cancer. How could that have happened? How could I have LET that happen? I slipped into old habits, I forgot to do what I did when I woke up every morning while going through chemo…I thanked everyone I knew for everything they did for me. I thanked the greater powers that be. I was alive. I made it through the worst hell I could ever imagine.
And then I died.
- I treated people I love dearly, poorly. A conversation last night with the person who means the most to me opened my eyes to that.
- I was “too busy” to do things I really cared about. Emails upon emails asking me to help talk about and support a charity that I haven’t answered yet.
- I wasn’t “selfish” enough when I needed to be…in all the right ways. I should have taken a vacation. I should have relaxed and let myself re-energize. But no, like an ass I pushed on, becoming increasingly ineffective in everything I did, and took care of myself physically and mentally less and less, thus irritating everyone around me more and more.
I kept telling myself I had to “get back to where I was” before cancer.
You know what? I was pretty much a fucking dick before I had cancer, and I was on that path again afterwards.
And now I took a trip off the end of nowhere for no reason whatsoever. I’m not gonna lie, this whole travel/adventure thing ain’t for me. That’s ok.
I’m alive again.